Today's practice began in half-darkness. The sky was overcast, the horizon weighted with clouds. Magically, the gathering light seemed to arise from earth rather than sky. Several inches of new-fallen snow reflected the blueish-grey overhead in a brilliant white light from below.
In these weeks leading up to winter solstice I feel the darkness expand day-by-day. By the time solstice arrives I'll be eager to wave goodbye to the lengthening darkness and welcome the return of light. Again, one of the many cyclings and circlings of the Tao.
My practice today was an exercise in "going through the motions." Even so, practice time passed quickly. My body felt stiff, my emotional state, cramped and sad. Yesterday I gave notice on a job I've needed to quit for some time. And, though I felt absolutely right about my choice, it still wasn't easy to carry it to a graceful conclusion. My "boss" felt sad and disappointed. I felt responsible ... and sad. Sometimes when we make choices to support ourselves, to move toward a life of greater meaning, purpose, and happiness, we disappoint others. We feel we've let our loved ones down.
This past week+ of TCC practice helped me clarify that the expectations and desires of other people shouldn't prevent me from pursuing my own dreams, energizing my own passions. Perhaps the arrival of my 55th birthday this past week--a significant mid-decade milestone--may have also inspired this change of focus.
Still, I intuit that my return to a regular daily practice of TCC requires more of me. It insists that I stay in touch with what matters most. As my life force energy balances and expands I realize how necessary it is for me to make a difference in our world, no matter how small. Teaching t'ai chi chih moving meditation is part of my role here on earth but, somehow, I believe there is more ...
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